Greetings Gentle Reader,
Here at Irate Living, we know better than you. Not about everything, but definitely the important things in life. Today I would like to impart some wisdom on how to host a party. Now most of you already know the basics, but now it's time to learn how to control every aspect of the party in the regimented yet effective manner of a Nazi rally.
Step #1: Menu planning
It is of the utmost importance that you know any of the special dietary needs of your dinner guests. If you are one of those well rounded people, you are most likely going to have a network of friends who consist of The Gluten Free One, The Vegetarian, The Vegan, The Omnivore For Political Reasons, The Pescatarian, The Dairy Free One, and of course, Senor Peanut Allergy. Now, there are two ways to plan your menu around these *ahem* needs. One way is to pick your favorite friend and cook to their specifications. This is most thoughtful if you only tell that friend. What a lovely surprise the rest of your guests are in for when, after dinner is served, you explain the delicate process of creating Foie Gras or how difficult it was to find the perfect peanut sauce. You can even turn this into a game of "Guess the Secret Ingredient!" The alternative option is to simply not invite the guest whom you just cannot accommodate their dietary restrictions for. Odds are they are a stupid stupid human being and you are better of without their company anyways. Chances are either menu planning option will significantly reduce the number of friends you have, thus, reducing the number of annoying "Oh, I don't eat that" people demanding you feed them a gourmet meal like a pack of baby birds just screaming and screaming and SCREAMING for a worm!!!
Step #2: Creating the perfect atmosphere
Music is always of the utmost importance in establishing the perfect ambiance for the evening. One way to have the ultimate musical selection is to create a dinner party playlist from your ipod. Music should follow the flow of the evening, so start with something soothing yet stimulating so guests can mingle without getting drowned out by the tunes. The most suitable mealtime music should feature non vocal or foreign music, so guests can continue to chat and will not be asking one another "did you just say Mmm-bop?". After dinner musical selections should include some more upbeat tunes to allow people to shimmy and shake away the high calorie delights you just served them. I cannot begin to tell you how many successful dinner parties I have hosted simply because N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton was tickling the ears of my guests! It is certainly true that Bitches Ain't Shit But Ho's and Tricks.
Step #3: Party Games
No dinner party is complete without the host providing some enjoyable entertainment throughout the night. It's true that it is simply not enough to clean your residence, plan an event, invite the guests, arrange a time convenient for everyone, grocery shop, cook, keep everyone's beverages refreshed, mingle, serve dinner, and clean up afterwards. If your friends are any kind of good guest, one should not expect them to lift a finger throughout the night or return the favor in the future. The standard games are always a classic favorite: King's cup, strip poker, and beer pong are sure fire ways to have a successful dinner. One can also get creative as dinner guests always love surprises! Two of my favorite games are "Which Creme Brulee is Poisoned?" and of course, "Fart and You're Out!" The rules to Fart are quite simple, if the designated Fartmeister detects the odors of flatulence at any point in the evening, all guests must immediately leave the residence. Guests are allowed to contest the Fartmeister's ruling, however this is risky as the Fartmeister can imply the Doth Protest Too Much rule. The guest who contested the ruling is then soundly beaten by the other guests and forcibly ejected from the party. Oh the laughs we have had at this one. My personal secret in this game is to serve chili stew and broccoli appetizers.
Step #4: Being the perfect host
Hip flask full of martinis
I hope this information will help you dear reader to your most successful dinner yet. If not, you probably have failed at enough other things in life that this will not be that big of a blow. Have another martini dear.
